| | Hmm, tra la la.
So, before I comment on everyone else's sites (and apologize profusely), I'm just gonna give a quicky about how my life is going.
First, I'm so sorry again that it's been nearly a month. Xanga...surprisingly enough...became a chore for me. It's already a bit time consuming (perhaps I put too much effort into my posts?), but that never really bothered me. And then life threw lemons in my face, and, well, this place just became too happy for me. Is that such a strange thing to admit, because it sure sounds strange to me. But it was just tough to really sit down and talk to people or help people when my own life wasn't/isn't so hot. I felt like a liar, in some respects, trying to give advice that I myself chose to ignore. It didn't really feel right pretending to be chipper when I was, in truth, in a constant Limbo of teeth-grinding and weak spirits.
I also was afraid to tell anybody what was going on - not that I'm ashamed! But my mum has a habit for snooping and I was afraid she'd read and find out I was telling other people about her business.
But the business is thus: my parents are getting a divorce. And it may not sound like such a big thing to so many people (51% of all marriages in the US end in divorce), it was a big deal to me and my life. My mother is severely unhappy and my dad is severely closed off. I love my parents and I love my parents together, but damn, it is a very, very, very, very miserable place in this house. There is this constant raincloud hovering over us. Not to mention, my sisters have formed their own little bubbles of life and I've never felt so separated and alone in my entire life. However, my feelings don't count, and that fact is being brushed aside.
I work five days a week and go to school, too. Homework is time-consuming. Work is time-consuming. In fact, I'm thinking about getting a second job. A job more my speed. I could drop a couple days from Dixie Bones and just balance a schedule. DB is great and all, but I'm not a waitress at heart and social activities suck the life out of me. I'm a book person, really. I want to be around books. Or incense. Or something with a less frantic aura.
I'm also too single to be true. Currently hate males, but that's alright, they've never been in much favor anyway. It's their fault for being such pricks. But not all males. Just 9 out of 10.
My creativity is drained and I feel like I'm letting the entire world down. I feel especially pitiful. Like my father, I hate pouring out my feelings and relying on others. I don't want to be co-dependent. I'm very shut down and I hate practically everyone right now. (Not you guys, xanga doesn't count when I say that). I was talking to Angelia and we discovered quite unfortunately that I don't think I'm special or worthy. I never really thought about it before. In fact, I don't think I ever cared. But yeah. So I have self issues to work through. I also feel like I'm letting my friends down all the time. We have writer's workshops and I can't ever bring anything, share anything, read anything, help with anything, or, well, anything! I feel like I frustrate them.
I better be careful. Writing this all down right now is opening up a floodgate. I better stop while I still can, or my entire life will be in this post. I'm already on my period, and that's a death letter in itself.
But, yes, so I suppose that's it. That's this last month in a nutshell. Wow...I can't believe it's been that long since I posted here. It feels like it's been no longer than a week. Just...wow. |
Real life first! 
But, since your having a rough time, maybe you should set aside some time for yourself. Like, go out with friends or something... you just have to remember what comes first. Okay?
